Kitty Blackadder

A Scottish blog about anxiety, minimalism and eyeshadow.

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Farewell my Friend, Farewell

As a woman, and a blogger at that, I go through lots of products; some I love, some I don't, but ultimately at the end of their life they all end up the same way. No, not in the bin - hoarded in a random carrier bag to be an empties post someday, duh. But sometimes, a loss so great is experienced that putting it in a carrier bag and leaving it under my desk for three months seems undignified and disrespectful - sometimes, it deserves it's very own send off in the form or a rambling and inappropriately emotional blog post.

So, there's a story (of course) that starts way back last September, before my blog existed (and before I owned like 14 neutral eyeshadow palettes, 600 nail varnishes and all the Baby Lips *sigh*). I had been in Florida for three weeks with my mum and my sister; it had been amazing. Amazingly hot, amazingly exciting, amazingly fun, amazingly exhausting... and at times, amazingly emotional. By the time we got to the airport and through security for that flight home I was just basically 'done' - so sad to be leaving, but at the same time desperate to be gone and home (and not surrounded by sticky, screaming children). Now, I don't know about you, but when I fly out somewhere I am the embodiment of organisation: documents filed away in the order they're needed, bag packed so beautifully it's like a freaking art form, and every liquid/makeup/toiletry stashed safely in the allowed clear plastic baggy. Truly some of my finest moments come when I travel.... well, when I travel outward anyway.

When I travel home from somewhere it is an entirely different story because of course, three weeks ago when arriving at the hotel everything is shoved in the safe or squished in the case and forgotten about until ten minutes before we need to leave for the airport. The documents scatter and are rammed back in the bag in fistfuls, the beautiful 'flying' outfit I had put together is dirty/creased/stained and so I end up flying in... (I'm ashamed to say it).... Crocs and Socks, and all the liquids from my lovely baggy are long gone, gone where I have no idea but they always go somewhere. And so, last September I found myself in this familiar state, with two hours to kill in an airport before an indirect, overnight, trans-atlantic flight, so hungry, so tired, and so afraid the fashion police would show up for me at any minute. And that's when I reached in my bag and realised... I had no deoderant in my hand luggage. Well, so that's when I 'suspected'anyway, I didn't realise and accept the fact until I had emptied the entire contents of said luggage over the floor of the departure lounge and raked around in a crazy lady fashion while muttering to myself feverishly.

Now I'm sorry, but I can't deal with feeling like I need some deoderant. I hate the sensation. I'm not sure if I sweat more than most women or if I just tolerate it badly (it's not really a conversation you can have with people is it?), I actually think when I was in my teens I did sweat quite a bit and I developed hang ups that I still carry with me, but anyway, terror was setting in. I mean trans-atlantic overnight flights leave you feeling grubby and tired anyway, but starting one feeling sweaty, dear God no. That's almost as bad as the year before when flying home I bit into a stack of about five Pringles at once, they all shattered and fell down my top and I spent the remaining eight hours of the flight 'subtly' fishing crazy sharp potato shards from my bra... that'll teach me to try and be cool, eating multiple Pringles at once, what a maverick fool.

So I headed into the one shop the lounge had, and went to check what (if any) deoderant they had available. I wasn't feeling optimistic at this point, as with UK antiperspirants I find most to be useless: Dove, Sanex, Nivea... totally useless for me, I'd be as well saving the money and just not wearing anything! So the odds of finding a deoderant in an airport departure lounge that was a) effective b) I wasn't allergic to and c) didn't cost like $10,000 seemed remote. Things started off grim when there was no aerosols available... I don't do roll ons, I don't seem competent enough for the application process; I just always feel like they're wet and sticky and I have to spend like 10 minutes looking like I'm trying to flap my arms for take-off before I can get dressed. My mum assures me that I'm just special in this regard. So yeah, there were a couple of roll ons and I think I basically grabbed the Lady Speed Stick because the packaging was pretty, purple an green are my favourite colours - how could logic like that ever lead you astray? Things did improve when I got to the check out and it cost less than $3 - if it was a UK airport they'd have taken payment in the form of a vital organ.

So I walk out looking at the little purple thing clasped in my sweaty mitts and I plead with it to do something to alleviate the current (worsening) issue. You see, I should have mentioned, my beloved boyfriend was picking us up at the other end of the flights and while I'd say we're pretty established as a couple; no relationship is established enough to withstand a BO ridden overnight flight look when you haven't seen each other in three weeks and the last time you did see each other you're face was swollen, red, patchy, tear stained, mascara smeared and you snottered on his shoulder because you were so distraught at not seeing him for the next three weeks. Nope. I mean, we've done long flights together, but it's like garlic; if you're both eating it you're fine, if it's just one of you then it's suddenly all 'the fudge is that smell!?!'.

So I open it up and take a sniff, smells a little like my gran's perfume, but that's vastly preferable to sweat, and I applied it then and there... because it's an airport and somehow it's acceptable to do that instead of going to the bathroom like you would in any other public situation. I don't make the rules guys, hate the game not the player.

And then, I had one of those rare moments in life, where if the carpet wasn't truly disgusting I'd have gotten down on my knees and praised the Lord. This deodorant is magic for me. I have never, ever encountered something that stops me sweating so effectively. I don't feel damp, or smelly or self conscious (because I'm not damp or smelly, I imagine) - I don't feel like I'm wearing an antiperspirant, which is a problem I sometimes have with the stronger ones I use... I just feel clean. One application of this tiny purple-sheathed miracle worker saw me through a turbulent short haul flight, a delay and an obscenely busy McDonalds in Philly, a loooooong overnight flight to the UK where someone collapsed in front of me, a stressful game of 'find the bag' at the carrousel at Manchester and the five hour drive back to Scotland, much of which was spent stuck behind a tractor (of course). Not once, in any of these tense moments did I break a sweat, I broke out some inventive cursewords, sure, but my underarms stayed floral fresh.

I've never actually gotten up in the morning and enjoyed applying deodorant, or given it much of any kind of thought to be honest, but this, knowing how clean I would feel all day; well this actually made me happy. It is super quick to apply, just one little sweep, it dries instantly (because it's a creamy kinda thing rather than a liquid), and it holds up to anything. Any shift at work, any stress, any mild cooking disaster. It doesn't stain your clothes, it doesn't smell so strongly it's off putting... it's just perfect.

Well, last month, I ran out. I finished it... and I mean I actually scraped the last of it out and smeared it on myself when there was too little to use from the container! Initially I thought I'd be OK, I'd survived a decade or so on UK deodorants, I'd be fine. But now, well, that seems a grim prospect. I return to Florida this September and I figured, I'd stock up then (like seriously stock up), but I actually don't think I can survive and have turned to eBay where they're selling for £4 each or so - totally worth it in my opinion. Of all the foreign items I have hunted down or paid over the odds for, I would never in my life have thought I would add a deodorant to the list, but sometimes it's the little things that give you confidence and make your day just that little bit stressful and that, to me, seems totally worth the crazy international shipping fees and no doubt the funny looks the package containing 20 Lady Speed Sticks will gain at customs...

So that's it folks, next stop, contacting the Guinness Book of Records, to see if I qualify for the longest blog post ever about a drug store antiperspirant - let's face it, I'm sure I do. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far, I salute you.


  1. This was brilliant, cracking up at some parts ;)

    1. Thanks for reading, I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)


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