Kitty Blackadder

A Scottish blog about making art, too much eyeshadow and becoming a grown up.

Monday, 1 September 2014

I didn't blog today...

I'm aware that writing and publishing a blog post entitled 'I didn't blog today' is a little counter-intuitive, but bear with me folks. 

So in a post last week I had mentioned my 'What's on my face - August' post would go live on Sunday (yesterday). Regular readers may have noticed that it did not. Why? As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, and they've been bad recently. One of the side effects, along with perhaps more expected symptoms, is that the little voice in my head that tells me I'm ugly, stupid and incapable grows from a faint whisper to a shout. Who would want to see photos of me? What on Earth makes me think I can give anyone makeup ideas? Oh my God look at my teeth/hair/ skin... I'm sure a lot of us have self doubts and confidence issues, and normally I can handle mine, but of late, it's been a struggle.

I put off doing the post, and then put it off some more; I switched things around until finally it had to be today. It's not even August anymore so today was really the last chance! Unfortunately, I had a very large panic attack last night. I woke up today feeling like I've been hit by a train; everything hurts and I just feel so... done. The other issue is that I woke up looking like:

It's perhaps not that obvious if you don't know my face, but this morning I woke up with essentially two black eyes and a face so swollen it actually inhibited my vision! There was no way I could wear makeup today; let alone makeup that could be photographed for the blog.

And that's the explanation for why I haven't posted today, and also, why I've been absent from social media all day. I just needed a little down time. And I was just going to leave it - I mean, I'm a very small blog, like anyone will notice I haven't posted - and I'm not writing this out of obligation feeling like I have to explain anything or that I can't bear to miss posting for a day... I just, I wanted to be honest I guess.

Sometimes, I feel that blogs only show the positive things, and you know what, that is absolutely great. Different people want their blogs to be different things; it would be an incredibly dull world if we were all the same, wouldn't it? But I want my blog, no matter how much it might grow (or not grow), to tell a full(ish) story. I'd love to come on here and say 'sorry for posting, I was just so busy doing awesome stuff' but it's not in my nature, I need to come on here and say 'sorry I didn't post, I was sobbing into my pillow and struggling to function through the anxiety'


  1. That' sucks hun! It's so sad hearing that you have those toughts about yourself sometimes! I hope you start feeling better soon! I really admire your honesty xx

    Beauty with charm

    1. Aw thank you so much, I hope the post didn't come across as too 'poor me', I wasn't trying to be dramatic or anything, it's just, y'know - sometimes we have these days!

      Thanks so much for your kind comment, means a lot.



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